| Title: What do we see
| 01 Apr 2015 1:17 pm
|
| Reviewer: Fmh (Signed)
| [Report This]
|
Loved how you flitted between the ages and times thank you so much
| Title: A Thousand Photographs
| 31 Mar 2015 4:13 pm
|
| Reviewer: Fmh (Signed)
| [Report This]
|
Thank you lovely
Piece of writing
That was pretty good, not least because I needed to concentrate all through in order to keep up. It's nice to read something a little different to a straight narrative sometimes, and even if the overall feeling of the piece was fairly sad, I did enjoy the telling.
I like the ideas in this one. The image of Snape as a big black owl in a tree is most certainly amusing! But again, a few critiques. I know it sucks getting them, but again, I think you show promise, and I always find as a writer feedback helps. :) So the number one thing that I think this chapter needs is work with the adjectives/adverbs. I love the images you create, and I can see where you're trying to go in a lot of places, but when reading I found myself getting lost in a sentence because there were too many descriptive words. Just as an example, here's a fragment so you know what I'm talking about: "... distinctly huffing, slightly older brats chase the distinctly stunted version ..." etc. The rule of thumb tends to be less is more when it comes to descriptive words (distinctly, huffing, slightly etc.) Another thing you can try is to make the sentences a little shorter, or throw in a few semi colons to break things up just for the sake of clarity, as run on sentences can sometimes create confusion.
Other than that, keep writing, and thanks for posting! I hope my comments have been somewhat helpful. Keep thinking up those lovely images!! :)
Ooh, I like this one. The second person works quite well, and I like how you've spun the idea of the photograph together from start to finish. I feel like this first chapter could be a one shot all itself. One little critique - some of the sentences do run on for quite a time and appear to go in a bit of a rush without much punctuation. While it may be a stylistic choice, it was a bit tough to make sense of in places. Other than that, I really like this chapter. I think it's one of the best second persons I've seen! Keep in mind that I would not give critiques unless I felt that the writer in question showed promise, as I definitely think you do!
|